Demisexuals and Kink

As a teen, I knew something was different. I didn’t really have crushes in high school, and I didn’t have any celebrity crushes, either. As a matter of fact, I still don’t have celebrity crushes. 

I lost my virginity late. It was hard for me to find people I actually wanted to have sex with. There were guys I thought of as conventionally attractive, but I never wanted to hook up with them; not in the way my friends did. Hmm. I saw women this way, too.

In college, I started reading a lot of erotica and horror to inspire some of my own writing, and my relationship with kink began to blossom. 

I can tell you one thing: It’s confusing as fuck being on the asexual spectrum and kinky. If you admit you’re a Domme type and you like leather and writing dirty stories, people start assuming things.

What are demisexuals, exactly?

Demisexuals form attraction over time and with someone they know well. It is a sexual orientation in which someone must have a close emotional bond with a person in order to feel sexual attraction. However, once there is a bond, it doesn’t always mean sexual attraction will follow. The bond just has to be there first for any chance of sexual attraction.

This also means the demisexual may see and notice eye candy, but attraction may never form. It doesn’t mean demisexuals don’t get horny. They might prefer to stick with DIY jobs until they get to know you, though.

Can you be demisexual and into kink?

Yes. BDSM does not often involve penetrative sex. It is more about play. There are aspects of BDSM that can definitely enhance sex (think tying your partner up and having your way with them). However, BDSM doesn’t have to be innately sexual. For that reason, it’s can be useful for demisexual and asexual people.

BDSM can be a doorway towards a deeper bond. In any kind of power play situation, the dynamic of the relationship is usually very clear, often pre-negotiated with set boundaries. It’s not necessarily about physical sex, but a very intense intimacy that is both physical and emotional. Some people may only engage in it after a deep level of trust is built.

BDSM or play can be a way for people to get to know each other first before a deeper, sexual bond is created. Or, it can be reserved for later, much later sometimes–a demisexual may want to reserve kink for another later time. 

How the fuck do you bring this up in relationships?

I’m a big believer in leaving a trail of breadcrumbs. You can say outright that you’re a demisexual and even be straight up with what you’re into when you’re first talking to someone new. Or, save it for a time when you’re more comfortable. Explain, but don’t educate your potential partners. If they’re interested enough, they’ll do their own research. And if they come back for more, it signals interest. Score!

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