I love taking confessions, I admit it. I’m not just telling you this so I can coerce you into calling my NiteFlirt line (although, I’d love it if you did call me!). I’m telling you this because it could be healthy for you!
If the idea of talking about things that turn you on makes you cringe internally, then you’re not alone. Talking about this sort of thing with your partner makes you vulnerable, and it can make you feel as naked as running down the street with no clothes on. What if your partner isn’t vibing with what you want? What if sharing your fantasy breaks down your relationship?
We may also rely on friends to share our deepest secrets, but what happens if that information leaks into the rest of your social world? What happens if the friend shuns you for what you like?
That’s where sex coaches like me can come in handy. Talking to someone who understands kinks and fetishes and talking it out with them may open up doors for you. You may discover when you started liking something. You may discover that there’s more out there to like. You may discover a way to work it into role play and even a way to share it with your partner so you can incorporate it into your everyday life
It can be therapeutic, for one, to talk to someone who is sex-positive who can understand your kink. I know we pay therapists and we expect them not to judge, but they might, and some people just feel more comfortable talking to another kinkster. I do recommend therapy if you’re struggling, though.
It’s not weird to fantasize
You are not your thoughts, okay? I say it all the time. Fantasies are not creepy, it’s just part of what makes us human. The brain is the most erogenous zone in the whole body. Sex starts with the mind.
Hold up: mine’s a dark fantasy, Brenda!
Keep in mind that most of the sexy, erotic stuff we see in mainstream life is pretty…well, mainstream. So anything outside of that pretty little box (heh) can make you feel uncomfortable.
A large percentage (over 50%) of women admit to having rape fantasies, for example. It’s not one of mine, but one of mine is taboo (thanks a lot, Bill Cosby). It’s watching a man or fooling around with him while he’s asleep. If you think about it, it’s taboo because it implies non-consent, but what if we’re talking about a pre-negotiated scene? What if I disclosed this fantasy to my partner and he said he would be thrilled to wake up to having his dick sucked?
CONSENT. CONSENT. CONSENT. Always make sure anyone you’re engaging in a sexual fantasy with is fully on board. Make sure they understand your fantasy and how you want things to play out. I can’t stress that enough.
If you’re still squeamish about all this, a sex therapist or mental health professional might be able to help. That’s what they’re there for. I refer people all the time.
As long as you aren’t hurting anyone in real life or don’t intend to, then it’s okay to have fantasies. If it’s illegal, don’t act on it. If you have a strong desire to act on something illegal or harmful, it’s time to talk to someone about it.
What’s the goal here?
Think about it. Just because you daydream about things doesn’t always mean you want them to play out. Are you dreaming of a threesome with your wife and her best friend, but afraid of the drama that will ensue after it’s all over?
Do you want your partner to get to know the intimate you? Or do you want to watch porn together based on your fantasy? Maybe you want this to actually play out?
Believe it or not, you don’t have to have this all figured out before you bring it up. If you’re not sure what you want, say so. It’s okay if you don’t have every little nuance of life figured out.
It’s always a good idea to explain that there’s no pressure involved, that you don’t have to act on this immediately.
You’re human, you’re sexual, and you have fantasies. Talk to someone who understands. It’s the first step in feeling better about yourself and getting in touch with your most basic human desires!